My writing is a gift from God that kept me from killing myself for so many years. If I could write about my pain, hurt and anguish, I could diffuse the negative impact in my life. Writing was a major avenue for Jesus Christ to enter my life as well. He used it to show me that He had been with me the years I thought I was all alone. You see, for many years, I was “the gay kid”, the faggot, queer and whatever names my tormentors could hurl at me. I never felt like any of those names on the inside, but gradually they grew harder to resist and their barbs lodged in my psyche.
I became a Christian at age 10 at church camp, but even Christianity didn’t make me immune to attack. I was six when I first began noticed a strange fascination for the physicality of other guys. It was innocent at first, but took on a life of it’s own when I was introduced to pornography and masturbation by a few male relatives. The abuse would bring chaos and confusion to my sexuality and drive a wedge between me and God.
Christianity and Homosexuality are the great oil and water of my existence. I tried to be gay and Christian for years. The prayers of my father and the conviction of the Holy Spirit never let it work out. I discovered the truth of the bible and God’s plan for my sexuality at age 27. I submitted control of my life and my broken sexuality to Jesus Christ for repair.
Jesus helped me walk away from the symptom of homosexuality. He brought healing to areas of deep wounding that led to the development of homosexual desires. I know now that Homosexuality isn’t genetic. I also know that it is not a choice. It’s complicated. But a loving God wouldn’t preach one message in His word and expect me to live another. For 10 years I claimed that I was born gay and lived as a gay man. It was the only explanation that made sense to me after so many unanswered prayers to God to remove my gay desires.
I live amongst the minority today. Even church culture is being swayed by human emotion rather than biblical truth. To speak against homosexual sin or to disagree with gay marriage is a great travesty in today’s culture. It is met with great resistance and the lives of those in protest are subject to persecution and ruin. I have no choice but to speak out against homosexuality though. I have occupied seats on both sides of the debate.
Jesus Christ offers redemption from sexual sin. In Matthew 15, Jesus says this, Matthew 15:18-20 “But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ 19 out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what make a man ‘unclean’…”. Sexual immorality and adultery covers all sexual relationships outside the marriage covenant of a man and woman; God’s design from the beginning. I live in the company of men and women who submit to Jesus rather than their sexual urges. Even Jesus put His sexuality on hold in this life to do the will of the Father.
I am living proof that there is freedom from homosexuality. I am also living proof that without Jesus I am nothing. In this blog you will see my triumphs and failures. You will see when I get it right and when I get it wrong. God instructed me to write about being a lowdown, dirty Christian who preaches Jesus, not perfection. I named this blog “Unicorns, Aliens and Bigfoot”, because our world, ex gay men and women are somewhat mythological by design. But alas, we do exist.
I write this blog to promote Hope not Hate. If you are a gay and celebrating your gay life, may God bless you and keep you safe. May you find Jesus Christ and His redeeming love for you. May you be blessed! If you are instead, someone who doesn’t want to be gay like me and you feel trapped in a gay identified life, there is hope and freedom in Jesus Christ.
Matthew Aaron, Director, Big Fish Ministry
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