A word of caution before you read this. I wrote this the other day. It is not the pretty, feel-good blog that you may be used to reading from me. I am not apologizing; I am simply preparing you for what you are about to read. Honestly folks, the walk out of homosexuality ain’t no cakewalk. It is a walk filled with moments of sheer amazement littered with days of “do I even know Jesus”. If all I ever wrote about were triumphs, then I would be painting you unattainable picture of perfection. I gotta share my failures, my doubts and my ugly moments my friends. Just know this. No matter what you read from me, at the end of day I know that God is in control and I place my life in his hands.
February 16, 2013
Sometimes no matter how loud you turn up the music, it can’t chase away the demons that still taunt me with my past. The ‘demons’ still resident in my head seem to dig their claws in deeper. If I had any idea what you wanted me to surrender I’d reach inside and excise it myself. That option has got to be a lot less painful than letting you stick me in a glass case to marinate in my pain much to your voyeuristic enjoyment. I don’t know what you want from me. If I did at this point after the way you’ve manipulated me, I’m not sure that I’d acquiesce to your request. I am in pain here. I feel like I’m caught between discovering the biggest breakthrough I’ve ever had in my life and the pain relief of suicide. I read about you in your word and I wonder if the God I read about and the God of my life are one and the same. I don’t want you to reveal truth to me, because I am at the end of my rope. I want you to reveal truth to me, because you love me and at one point had called me into your service. Oh cruel master. You called me at the time of my greatest spiritual damage. You allowed the world to wreak havoc on my life and then at the point when I was so emotionally scarred that I developed an entirely different life to manage my pain, you came down to rescue me. Too late. I am at your mercy. I am always at your mercy. I watch others no greater than myself celebrate the spoils at the end of my rainbow. I feel like you keep me weak enough so that I have only enough strength to beg for crumbs just beyond the reach of your banquet table. I am chased from your presence by the very force that calls me into your presence. I fear you. I hate you. I am so confused by you. Why do you lead me astray?
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”—Proverbs 3:5-6