Well it’s 3 am and I just got back from an out of town trip. On my drive home, I was texted by a friend to ask if I had heard that a friend of ours who at one point was once walking out of the gay life, has now come out as gay. My friend was sad for obvious reasons. I was sad as well, but I have seen this before. Last year, 3 of the guys that I was mentoring decided that being gay suited them better. I am used to one here and there, but three all at once was enough to shut me down for a few months. God and I had a lot of long talks. Well after a long silent treatment from me, which did absolutely no good. Anyway. I was able to share with my friend, a few of the sentiments I am about to share with you.
During the last six months of my gay life, I called up my very first boyfriend. I don’t know what I was looking for, but I felt the need to chat. I was surprised where the conversation went. He had apparently found Jesus and was going to church. This was the same guy that I mentioned in an earlier post who was interested in Electro Shock Therapy to get rid of his homosexual desires. When I heard that he was walking away from homosexuality, I was jealous. I was supposed to be doing that myself. I just hadn’t put any action to my thoughts. That random conversation, not random in God’s eyes, is one of the reasons I decided to walk away from homosexuality in 1998.
Fast Forward. I have been walking this walk for almost 14 years. Not only have I seen guys attempt the same walk and then give up, I have seen some key figures in my life fall back into their sin. Bret, my first boyfriend eventually went back into homosexuality. I found out years later that my first leader at an Ex-gay ministry back in 2001 decided this walk wasn’t for him either. These were men I looked up to. I took the hits hard, but in the end, it didn’t sway me from the truth. I may have been encouraged to start my walk in freedom by another guy, but the walk became possible and is still possible today because of my faith in Jesus Christ.
Men will always let us down. They don’t always mean to, but sometimes as men who struggle with certain aspects of Same Sex Attraction or SSA, we put good men on pedestals. When those men fall, no matter how big or how small, it’s always big to us. We have to remember. God didn’t place any man in our life to be our soul source of emotional or physical support. God wants to be our one and only. Any good, Christian man will tell you early on, he has faults and he should also lead you to the faultless one.
My father has been one of those men that has disappointed me. God gave me a vision once of me and my dad walking to the edge of the universe. At some point along the journey, my dad stops walking and stands still. I had two choices: stop as well or keep walking. God told me to keep walking. Those first few steps were fearful, awkward and labored. I felt like I was betraying my dad. He wasn’t saying a word to me, but I knew I must keep walking. What God showed me about the dream was that the “edge of the universe” was the limit of what my father knew about God. My father, having taught me all he knew, was symbolically stuck there at the edge of his knowledge. God was calling me deeper, but I was afraid of going by myself. I have been afraid of doing stuff by myself for most of my life. I have also not wanted to go it alone most days.
My mentors that fell back into their gay lives and my father’s expansive, but limited knowledge of God, took me to the exact place that God wanted me to be. God used those people in order to move my heart and shape my life. My Christian faith is rooted and grounded in my relationship with Jesus Christ. People will come and go my friends. And to quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, “Most of ’em shock the hell outta me.” If we cling to them, we ride every emotional roller coaster of every person we elect to be our “god”. If we cling to God we will not be blown by the winds of change or the flood of emotion. We will be held in the arms of his grace and peace.
Who are you living your life for today? The people who inspire you or the God who desires you?