Over the past couple of years, God’s plan for me has been “rapid fire change”. I see evidence of the amazing work He’s doing in my life. A pastor friend told me this week that we spend most of our Christian walk “becoming” and we never fully arrive. I shouldn’t say I am surprised at all that God has done in my life over the past few months, but I am. God reminds me in my prayer not to doubt Him. I’m working on that. Take for instance the following ADHD rant I scribbled on two pieces of copy paper about a year and half ago. I was right in the middle of feeling like God had parked me in an eternal holding pattern on the far edge of my destiny. The rant was equal parts prayer and pity party. Writing has always been the best way to bleed off the pressure building up inside my head. It helps me see for myself and show others that I have those days when I doubt God, but my goal is to move beyond frustration into revelation.
Dear God, “What do you want from me? Why do I still have a separation between you and I? I feel it. It’s a sliver. But it’s there! So simple. So subtle. But I’m to the point where I can sense even the smallest separation between you and I. Why am I not in ministry yet? Is it the money? Is it my disobedience? Fear? Why have You been walking me through so much conflict lately? Why have I failed? Have I failed? Where have I failed? Where do I continuously miss it? Is my house (program) past its prime? Am I to fulfill my real dream? My dream you gave me in France. Take my life and make it your own. I am so tired of what the world has to offer. I long to be your mouthpiece again! I’m so passionate yet so afraid of failing Big or being thought of as talentless. More than anything I long to be a man like other men. I long to speak with my voice, my true voice. I long to hear your plan for me. I long to step out without fear, without fear, without fear! I want to be a man of God. I want to see myself as the man you created me to be. I want to be a minister. Help me God, but know I have fear! I am as sick of fear as you are of sin. I loathe fear, yet I still find refuge from life in it. I hate my fear. I hate that it makes me disobedient. I hate that it causes me to hide. I am so sad that I am still living out of the mindset of a child. I am a minister of the gospel for the one, true God. I will be attacked, but I will not blame you. I will rejoice in You. I have been chosen. I must keep my head straightforward. I must drive straight. I must see the mission and know the mission! I must be all about the mission. Live it. Sleep it. Breathe it. Fear nothing. Fear is a luxury I can’t afford! How do I defeat fear? How do I move on from here? I want to remain sensitive to your spirit, but I want you to make me into a great warrior. A warrior must go into battle. I want fame! I want You more! If I am destined to a life of anonymity, that I will accept. Fear not! Fear not He commands, Fear not!”
Here are some scriptures that helped me diffuse the long lasting effects the power of the enemy might have over my mind.
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” -1 Peter 2:9
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” -1 Corinthians 13:11
“Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10
I love scriptures that refer to God’s righteous right hand, because I always remember that Jesus is seated at the right hand of the father.