As I “pick up the pen” today, it’s like I am writing for the first time. As if waking from a coma in a world unrecognizable from the one I left behind. The gay community has celebrated many victories over the last few years. Victories that have ushered forth a palpable silence into our churches and a fear of non-compliance should anyone disagree with gay philosophies. As many gay people burst ceremoniously from the closet, those of us who choose to live for God and not our sexuality are forced back into a dark, cramped closet of the world’s design. My story is not so different from the people celebrating their gay lives these days. Our paths diverged where I exchanged my broken sexual identity for an identity in Jesus.

I never dreamed that life would be this hard. This…lonely. Jesus told His followers that the world would hate us as they hated Him. That scripture was never on any of my memorization lists. If we are honest, persecution should be an expected part of the Christian walk; a fact that never makes it to the final draft of the Easter brochure. The world indulges daily at Satan’s banquet table. We carry around the message of Jesus in our hearts and lives. 2 Corinthians 2:16 says that “To those who are perishing, we are a dreadful smell of death and doom. But to those who are being saved, we are a life-giving perfume.” Hanging out with fellow Christians helps me get through the times when God leads me to engage the world.   

When you choose the wide path, following wherever your feelings lead and go with the flow, you make virtually no waves. When you choose to swim upstream and live a life led by God’s word, be prepared for a satanic, spiritual tsunami around every corner. It’s often difficult to be a Christian in today’s world; but, I also get to add to my resume that Jesus Christ called me to walk away from my gay life. (Cue the wind and torrential rain!) I started this blogsite at the behest of the Holy Spirit. He told me to write a blog from the perspective of a low down, dirty sinner who Jesus made a saint by His grace, but still struggles with real issues. Talk about being a real person, with real issues who lives in a fallen world. I have ruffled a lot of church people’s feathers with this blog. Some have labelled me ‘edgy’ and ‘provocative’. Others have tried to silence me. I told my friend Patty that people can’t handle the way I share my life openly with gut level honesty. I have very few secrets. I try to live openly and honestly before God and people. She reminded me that honest testimony changes lives. I needed to hear that. It gets tiring being a lone voice bringing the truth on sexual issues. 

Ten years ago I lived a double life where I kept my ex-gay community and my work community separated. It was reminiscent of 20+ years ago, when I was living a double life as a gay man. It was exhausting. Both scenarios were constructed out of fear. I woke up today, fed up and a little pissed off that I have let fear creep in again. With all the triumphs that the gay community has achieved, I feel a little Davidic in light of their Goliath influence on the world. Churches that used to preach the Word have now set the gospel aside to tout a religion of “love”, “tolerance” and acceptance of sexual immorality. Scriptures that once taught the sanctity of marriage, are being reinterpreted according to the emotions of men rather than God’s divine plan.     

I find that people treat our ministry a bit like Terminix. They don’t want to call us. They wait until things are at their worst. Then they call last minute and only want us around long enough to “treat the problem”; then, we are relegated back to the perimeter of their lives. It is one of the loneliest, most forgotten, often despised ministries on the planet, because the impoverished are walking amongst us as skeletons disguised as the elite and celebrated. I find it especially difficult when trapped between the church who expects perfection from former gays and the gay community who lies in wait, ready to pounce if we trip in our humanity. Jesus is the only reason I keep hanging on. Jesus is my hope. The world is my judge. When I struggle with the temptation to look at gay porn (because that is one of many temptations in my life, even though I am not gay), Jesus gives me strength to pray as He did, “Not my will be done, but Yours Lord.” When people fail me, Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.        

Another interesting tidbit. In this Cramazing world we live in, someone is always fighting for control. Since the beginning, it has always been about control. Control, like crack, kills. When it comes to the topic of homosexuality, the church used to control the argument with guilt, judgment and loud voices. Fast forward. The church has lost its voice in the world and most of its control. The gay agenda stands at the wheel, steering the ship fueled by fear and shame heaped on all who disagree, exacting control through a system of one-way tolerance and double standards. When you dig deep though, you see that the gay agenda is leading much the same way that churches did. It’s as if they learned how to “lead” through observation and, though they loathed and feared the church, the gay agenda became just like them; drowning all in their wake.    

As I pull myself from the wreckage created by the collision of the church and the gay agenda, I dust myself off and refuse to live one more day allowing fear of either to dictate any aspect of my life. The bible calls for us to be bold and courageous and to fear not. Jesus calls us to go into all the world and preach the gospel. I have a message deep in my bones that if not released will take me to the grave. I will celebrate 18 years away from my gay life this December. God helped me leave that life behind. He can help you do the same. God wanted me to leave that life behind. He didn’t offer it as a gift upon my birth, he cursed it as sin at the fall of man. I refuse to make a pact with the enemy regarding my sexuality. I decided to listen to the Holy Spirit when it came to my homosexual attractions and temptations.   

Church people and pastors, listen up. How long will you remain silent on this issue? How much longer will you refuse to preach freedom for homosexuals from the pulpit. I beg you to end your silence, not to resurrect condemnation for the gay community, but so that you preach life to men like me who sit in your congregation, alone and afraid. Remaining silent makes you liable for our lives as we struggle on endlessly and alone. The world has made a brash, bold, overarching statement when it comes to sexual sin. When will you end your silence and allow life to flow in the desert of our dysfunction?    

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